Man smokes cigarette, dies instantly

Jacob Horner was hoping to spend his after-work hours relaxing in a bar in Whachiworg, Kansas on the first of April, 2006, but he tragically decided to smoke a cigarette with his beer. Doctors say the nicotine caused a rare kind of lung cancer called broncosuck carscausecoma to grow, turning his lungs into useless bags of air. He leaves behind no wife or kids, just a job at the Stewart Balloon factory.

Bar owner Ted Smith was a witness to the event: “Jacob just lit up, took a puff and fell right off his chair. Damnest thing. I started to crack up and the rest of the bar did too. When we saw that he was dead we shut up good. ‘Cept for Macy, but no one likes em.”

The cigarettes that killed Mr. Horner were purchased at a nearby Walgreens from store clerk Frank Smith. Frank was decimated by the news: “To think, I handed him the vary thing that killed him. Why didn’t he ask for a pack of Nicorette in the case just to the left of the Marlboros?”

“Jacob’s death proves every assumption that smoking is bad for you, that it’s deadlier than guns and fatty foods,” says local health teacher Jessica Horbits. A student in her class responds, “Now guns and smoking combined, that’s really deadly. Really awesome though.”

Leslie Feldman, a student at nearby Kansas-Parker College, used the incident to continue her crusade against tobacco use. She told newspapers, “This incident shows that tobacco can kill in many ways, even in ways we have yet to discover. Will we let tobacco hang around long enough to discover all the ways it can kill us?”

Despite the fact that it can cause instant death, co-worker Jessica Michaels continues her pack a day habit. She told HQN, “Days around Stewart Balloon can get pretty dull. I realised the other day that it’s probably because there are not enough ways to die around here. I don’t think of lung cancer as some shadowy menace, but just a childhood friend of mine playing tag.”

Funeral services for the deceased are to be held at Whachiworg Christ-Love Baptist Church on April 15. Most of the attendees are expected to spend the services thinking of witty ways to continue the arguments they had on the way to the funeral.



  1. Posted July 2, 2006 at 8:18 am | Permalink


  2. AnferTuto
    Posted July 28, 2007 at 7:54 pm | Permalink

    Hola faretaste

Post a Comment

Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: